The Writing Life

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Stalker Boy

Stalker Boy has really been pushing lately. He's got a new blog against me (how many is it now? A dozen? Two dozen?) where, as usual, he's railing at the world about his being a victim. And as he always, his "proof" is not what is real, but what his twisted mind sees, using a logic known only to him.

He followed me to a collector's forum a couple of weeks ago, and it fueled his hatred. I haven't had any contact with him for months, so he doesn't get anything from me directly. He must find his ammunition by googling me, and trying to read into things I say elsewhere. On this forum, I asked the guys, who I've known for years, if anyone was in law enforcement. I told them I was being cyber-stalked, and gave a little general background. I didn't go into any of the details. Stalker Boy found my thread and in his paranoid schizophrenic way, he read words that were never written there. He immediately started writing about emails. He claimed that I was a liar and he had never sent me emails. I, of course, never once mentioned emails, because as far as I knew, he hadn't sent any. I got one email (a bizarrely childish thing that claimed the author was a law student studying "internet scandals". I'm not certain how stupid I'm supposed to be to believe that tripe, but apparently the author was idiotic enough to think that sounded real. The purpose of the email was to bully and threaten me, so I merely passed it along to the owners of the music sites, so that they could trace its origin. They didn't tell me anything, but ironically Stalker Boy himself told me that it had the same IP address as his. Oops! Does this mean he sent it? Not necessarily. His boyfriend could have sent it -- a technicality that Stalker Boy probably thought kept him in the clear).

This morning, I got a second email. This one was from Stalker Boy via Amazon. Apparently he wants me to be his "Amazon friend" so that I can buy him things off of his wish list or something. The return address was his, but the content appeared to be Amazon boilerplate. Obviously, I didn't click any of the links. I don't know that he understood the email would come from his address. In truth, I have no idea why he did this. Just another poke, I guess.

1 or 2 emails has never been the problem with him. I'm very fortunate in that way. A friend of mine has postulated that he's gotten in trouble before for stalking, and probably did quite a bit via email. He may have learned that this is a prosecutable offense, and thinks he's "safe" from legal recourse as long as he doesn't send emails. I have no idea if this theory about him is true or not. I'm just grateful that emails are not a big part of his campaign against me.

Another thing he is obsessing over again is some guy named Tom. Way back in January, when this all started, he got some nasty emails from a guy named Tom H.. Stalker Boy shared one of the emails with me, and it was indeed vile. Lots of anti-gay sentiment with some very personal digs that went well beyond the pale. I disagreed with it then, as I still do today. No one deserves that kind of trash in their inbox. Just I don't deserve the same level of trash written on Stalker Boy's blogs and website.

Unfortunately, on the collector's forum, there is a member whose name is Tom K.. He has a different last name, of course, and has no connection to this Tom H. (just as I cannot take responsibility for every person who is a writer, or every person who lives within several hundred square miles of me -- something with which Stalker Boy has repeatedly tried to burden me. If he sees a woman who is a writer or who lives in Southern California, he immediately accuses me of being that other person. Too bizarre). Stalker Boy saw me address the Tom K. in the forum and, in his usual fashion, decided that only one man named Tom exists in the world and therefore any and all men named Tom are the Tom H. who wrote to him. He is crowing about having "caught me confessing" that I know his man-named-Tom H.. I'm sure that's news to the Tom K. on the forum and to the Tom H. who wrote the letter. I'm unsure what my role was supposed to have been with regard to the original email-writer. Was I supposed to have been "Tom H."? Was I supposed to have been some guy's puppet master? Am I supposed to automatically be able to control the actions of everyone else in the world? It's very unclear, though oddly enough, I think he believes it's the latter.

The truth, of course, is that I had nothing to do with any of the things Stalker Boy accuses me of. He desperately wants to appear to be a victim, but I have done no victimizing. I was on two of the three music sites that he later joined. He was disruptive, argumentative, whiny, accusatory, and a source of incredible negativity on the two sites I belonged to. I must assume he was the same on the third (I was never a member there, so I have no idea what he was doing over there). Did I want his disruptive influence to stop? Yes. His constant focus on me, his calling me out, his name-calling, his unwanted responses to my songs, his hatred, his obsessiveness, his false accusations, and a host of other things made it extremely uncomfortable for me. Was I the only one? Hardly. He had the same affect on nearly everyone at both sites, whether he ever singled them out or not (I was the center of his little hate-filled universe, but he is not stingy with his loathing). Did I do anything personally to get him "kicked off"? To the owners of both sites, I passed on the fake law student email. On the first site from which he was ousted, it was the moderators who apperantly decided to excise him. I am not a moderator there, so this is a guess on my part. Was I happy he was gone? Very. He was, as I said, extremely disruptive.

The second stie from which he was ousted was the one I did not belong to, so I have no idea what happened there.

The third site gave him many, many chances. I did pass on that email, but nothing was done. I was told to "ignore him" and that appeared to be the end of it. Months later, I found a link on his music page that led to one of his hate sites. I wrote to the owners of the music site, letting them know that Stalker Boy was using material from their site (things he had found in the forum or on song pages) to write libelous and defammatory websites and blogs about several of the female members. In that letter, I said nothing about kicking him off the music site, or anything even close to that. It was merely an FYI thing. I have no authority to kick anyone off. I am not a moderator or an owner of that site. I am just one of the members. However, on that site, a large group of members contacted the mods and the owners and eventually, I guess they decided that, like the other sites, Stalker Boy was too disruptive. Was I happy he was gone? Very. He was, as I said, extremely disruptive.

When he showed up on the collector's forum, I wrote to the administrator and asked that he be banned. First time I've ever done that. Stalker Boy did not come there as a collector. He did not post in the collector areas. His only agenda was to follow me around the web and spew his hatred toward me. I have been a member of that collector forum for 3 years. He was there 1 day. The administrator told me that the forum does not accept cyber-stalkers as members, and therefore barred him. He then locked the thread. Was I happy he was gone? Very. He had no business being there.

That's the whole sordid tale. In the end, only one person is responsible for his having been banned from all the sites: him. Stalker Boy and Stalker Boy alone is 100% responsible for what happened to him.

He will probably never understand that. He is a professional victim. He cannot see himself in any other light. And a victim must have a persecutor. He arbitrarily chose me. Why? I'll never really know. Only his broken brain knows for sure.

What I do know is that I must face these facts:

1. It will never matter what I say or write; he will only read what his brain imagines.

2. Being wrongly accused is incredibly painful, especially when any activity to clear up misunderstandings will only aggravate and multiply the false accusations. And so I must take it in silence.

3.For five months, Stalker Boy has directed toward me his anger, hatred, insanity, cruelty, mockery, and negativity, and despite my having broken off all communication months ago, that action has had no effect. In fact, his madness and hatred appear to be growing. I have no idea how or when any of this will end. It is out of my hands. Nothing I do affects him. Only the things he imagines that I do or say affect him. I have no control over that.

4. Fear and anger are very uncomfortable emotions for me. I dislike being caught within the grasp of either of them. I prefer to search for the joy wherever I can find it. So far, the only times I have felt at peace about any of this stuff is when I have done the difficult mental gymnastics necessary to find compassion. Sometimes, I haven't the strength. Tonight is one of those nights. I don't want to do what's necessary to find compassion. I just want to work on my book. I wrote this entry tonight as a way of clearing my mind of the mental detrious caused by Stalker Boy's constant, unending attacks. When I am stronger, I will walk the path back to compassion. The more I tread those intricate and tricky trails, the easier it will be to find my way. At least, that is my hope.

And now, as I have to do every day, I must block the undulating waves of psychotic hatred that flow from him, and do something healthy and positive for me. I must write. I must work toward my life goals. I must not allow any of his negativity to enter my soul.

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